Thursday, February 3, 2011

Sometimes Things Are Too Tough to Blog About...

If you follow this blog you may have noticed that I took a bit of a hiatus...I actually took the blog down for a while with every intention of deleting it, but I sat on that idea for a couple months first. My last post was made on Oct. 16th. The day I ran my first half marathon. Two days later on Oct. 18th my grandfather passed away.

On Oct 15th my Dad had said to me that I needed to visit, that my Poppop had taken a turn for the worst and he might not be with us much longer. I had known he was sick earlier in the week but I didn't think it was that bad. He had been to the hospital a time or two in the previous years but, like he always was, my Poppop seemed to come out strong and chug along stoically as always with a Manhattan in one hand and occasionally a cigar in the other. I left work early to visit him that Friday and my Dad was right. I wasn't prepared to see my lovable Poppop struggling for breath, unable to open his eyes, eat food or even sit up. He still held our hands though and he still wanted my Mommom, his wife of 63 years, by his side. He knew when she wasn't there and that made him restless.

When I ran the marathon and the pain in my legs was at its worst I thought of my Poppop. He made me keep going. My Aunt had told me that he was a fighter. He always had been. Poppop fought in every major campaign in Europe during World War II: D-Day, the Battle of the Bulge and Rhineland. He never spoke much about the war but the few stories we did hear made me realize how lucky he was to be alive, how lucky my entire family was to even be here to share these stories. So when I was running I thought of Poppop and how he would never quit so I should never quit either.

Quite a handsome young man in his uniform too wouldn't you agree :)

Two days later my Poppop passed away. I had never lost anyone close to me before. It was a blessing he no longer suffered but it was also the most heart breaking time for me and my entire family.

Right before I ran I was pushing to reach a weight loss goal. I was only 2-3 lbs away from 100lbs of total loss. After my Poppop passed I took a week off from working out to be with my family. I was surrounded by desserts and hearty meals for an entire week. And I ate blindly with out even thinking. I seemed to have no control over the desserts. I just wanted sweets.

When I returned to bootcamp the following week I got on the scale and I had gained 10lbs. TEN POUNDS!!! I was crushed. On top of everything that had happened this was just one more stress ball to add to it. I freaked out. I had never gained so much weight so quickly. I felt like a failure. I felt like I failed everyone including my readers of this blog and worse I felt like because I let this happen during my Poppop's passing that his death was some how an excuse to let myself go a little and that made me feel terrible.

I hid the blog from public view. I contemplated deleting it because I was a failure. I was not someone setting a good example for a healthy life style. How could I write about getting up and exercising and eating properly when I failed so miserably at it. I just wasn't in a good place and I needed time to think and get myself back on track. Because I told myself remember Poppop wouldn't give up!

I've been working out just as hard as always since I took that week off, I still went to bootcamp I still went on runs even in the freezing cold too, I still played soccer I managed to lose a little through the holidays which I'm happy about, but I just couldn't bring myself to come back to the blog and share it. Because after all I still screwed up so bad. My friends told me I was being too hard on myself when I stressed about my weight gain and I realize now I probably was. Hindsight is always 20/20 they say. I set a new goal to push through those final pounds to reach 100lbs of loss, and I've been working toward it. I have a deadline and I'll see where I stand tomorrow when I hop on the scale again at boot camp.

I also learned a valuable lesson about how I deal with grief through all this. I've never mourned the loss of anyone close to me before. I've been very lucky in that aspect, I know. But now I know my way of handling grief is to turn to food. Now I know to be aware of it in the future.

It took me a long long time to come to the blog and write about why I basically dropped off the face of the earth, about why I gave up and hid the blog. For the longest time I didn't know what to say, but it was a post on Twitarded from Dangrdafne that made me say I have to keep writing. I have to keep promoting healthy living on this silly little blog of mine because it was my mission when I started and I'm not a quitter. It's not in my blood to quit. Thanks Poppop :).


Dangrdafne said...

So proud, so very very proud. I am so glad you didn't delete this. I am so glad you found your way back and if it is because of what myself and My After Car said then woo hoo for us ;) I have missed this blog so much. I loved coming here and getting my motivation. You inspire me and I was so sad when I knew what was going on and I knew you had to figure it out on your own. Please try not to worry about failure or moving backwards, it is a part of life and that is what we are all here for. Support and love. Thank you for all you do but mostly for just being you. Welcome Back!

shoewhoreninja said...

So excited to see you back on here, wifey! I know it's taken a lot for you to get here, but I'm glad you're finally here. I really am sorry about your Poppop, I know you were close, but I hope his memory always inspires you and helps you push through things in life, never giving up just as you are doing now. I loves you!!! xo


Snarkier Than You said...

oh my - i am crying both for your loss and your struggle and then happier tears for your decision to NOT give up!! thank you for sticking with it - your blog inspires me and if you help even one person to make a decision to lead a healthier lifestyle, you will have made a difference. and you definitely have inspired me!

so sorry that you lost your grandfather (my grandfather just started hospice care and i know how awful it is to see someone so strong fall ill) but i am so proud of you for coming through this tough time stronger than ever! and YES you are way too hard on yourself! don't get hung up - you've done something so amazing to change your life and you shouldn't punish yourself when the scale moves in the wrong direction...